Pockets of Sanity

Icy Hot Ballers Get Owned

As a connoseour of the ridiculous "Icy Hot on Balls" phenomenon, I must applaud this truly inspired spoof of idiot males and their desire to slather up their balls with Icy Hot.  These two young men have inspired me, and hopefully an entire generation as well.

Not in Defense of Godzilla

So you just saw Cloverfield, and if you're one of those who didn't hate it with intense passion, you might be jonesing for more "big monster smash New York" action.

Don't even consider revisiting 1998's US version of Godzilla.  Just don't.  Put it out of your head.

I, like most of the common folk I represent, sometimes enjoy a good brainless action/sci-fi movie with lots of special effects and little character development.  I was a big fan of Independence Day, the previous effort from Godzilla director Roland Emmerich and co-writer Dean Devlin.  And although I've soured on that film a little over the years (especially since The Day After Tomorrow has trumped it to become my official guilty pleasure Emmerich film), it remains somewhat of a benchmark of what I like to see in the summer months.

So how could a no-brainer concept like remaking Godzilla have gone so wrong?  Sadly it does, in many, many ways.

I wish you could have seen my face during the screening I attended for the film. If you could time-lapse such a thing, you'd see my expression change from gleeful anticipation to shock to outrage and finally total indifference.

The gleeful anticipation lasted about two minutes.  The opening credits and accompanying score are so absurd that I just started laughing at how ridiculously bombastic it was.  It still remains at the top of my list of the most dramatic opening title sequences ever (but not in a good way).

Now you can make almost any premise seem plausible by film's end, no matter how ridiculous it initially sounds, by creating a credible universe in which the story is taking place.  Thousands of films are 100% absurd but are executed in such a way where they're believable enough within their own little universe.  They play by the rules that are established along the way.  In Godzilla, the most believable thing in the film is that a giant mutated lizard is attacking New York City.  Nothing else makes a lick of sense.

Godzilla's main problem is its tone. The old Godzilla films were mostly pure camp, so the new film needed to do either one of two things: also be pure camp, or treat this matter very, very seriously. Amazingly, it manages to do neither. It sits right on the border between the two, unable to make up it's mind. It's too silly to be taken seriously, but too serious to be taken lightheartedly.

The casting is also a problem.  First there's Matthew Broderick.  I love Matthew Broderick, and was looking forward to that tried and true "Broderick shtick" where he's placed in awkward situations and never seems to understand what exactly is going on so he just looks flustered a lot.  There is some of that here, but Broderick plays his character way too broadly, with cartoony facial expressions and a strange amount of whimsy.

And the type of character Broderick is playing just isn't good enough to be the lead role in anything, let alone a Godzilla movie.  He's a dorky scientist working for the government who is called into action to help solve the Godzilla crisis.  He's similar to Jeff Goldblum's character in ID4, a strong supporting role but not heroic enough to be the out and out lead.

So then the hero role falls onto Jean Reno, as a member of the French secret service sent to destroy Godzilla and all evidence of its existence (since the French made the thing with their nuclear testing, as we're told).  Trouble is, his character isn't meaty enough to be the lead either, and much of the time he's not doing much of anything except complaining about American coffee and cuisine.  There's actually a running gag, in a Godzilla movie, about bad cups of coffee.

The most annoying part of the cast is two needless characters who serve no purpose except to take shots at well known film critics Gene Siskel and Roger Ebert.  Michael Lerner plays "Mayor Ebert", the mayor of New York and yes, he made to look exactly like Roger Ebert.  He's running for re-election, and so his campaign slogan is "Thumbs Up for Mayor Ebert".  He's also a complete moron.  To make matters worse though, he has an associate named "Gene" who is made out to be Mayor Ebert's little kiss-ass of sorts, telling him at times to just calm down and enjoy some candy.  What a childish and petty move to write this nonsense into your screenplay.  So two guys didn't like Independence Day... it made 11 hundred million billion dollars.  Who cares what they thought?  Is anyone even going to understand this "joke" 10 years from now?

Then there's the female lead played by Maria Pitillo, a shrill, shrieking, wimpy, arm-flapping waste of space.  Her character was once Broderick's girlfriend, but ran out on him while they were in college, never speaking to him again.  Now a wannabe reporter, she tracks him down upon seeing him on the news and steals his top secret video footage (conveniently labeled "Top Secret" in Sharpie on the tape label).  Then the character just kind of hangs around until the final credits roll.  Much time is devoted to her quest to become a news reporter and her tears because life's unfair.  Umm, hello?  Godzilla is destroying your fucking city and you're sitting around crying about your job?

This is pretty much where my outrage set in.  This movie seems oblivious to the fact that Godzilla is destroying a major American city, and instead focuses on unfair workplaces and bad cups of coffee. At this point, New Yorkers reaction to having their city destroyed by Godzilla seems to range from "Meh..." to "Come on, I'm going to be late for work..." to "Wheee it's fun!"  There's no drama here.  There's nothing compelling.  If the fictional people don't really care about surviving an attack by a giant mutant lizard, why should we?  Later, after about 10 trillion dollars worth of damage has been done to New York, once the news (erroniously) reports that Godzilla is dead they IMMEDIATELY demand to be let back in to the city.  Godzilla is merely an annoyance to these people, not a threat.  Why bother redesigning Godzilla?  Why bother spending millions of dollars on CGI effects to make Godzilla seem scarier than a man in a suit if no one in the movie itself is going to give a damn?

So who's in charge of the military operation to stop Godzilla?  A mere colonel (Kevin Dunn).  No five star generals anywhere in sight, just a colonel in charge of the most inept group of fighting men our country has ever assembled.  In charge of the operation out in the field?  A stammering, nervous idiot soldier (Doug Savant) who has no business being in charge of a military washroom, let alone a mission to destroy Godzilla.

I found it amusing at one point when Broderick comes up with a plan to draw Godzilla out into the open using truckloads of fish that the military "radar" shows this point not with a target but with a big graphic of a fish.

And of course even though Broderick's character proves to be right about the creature again and again, eventually the military dismisses him from helping them defeat Godzilla for no other reason than because the script says to.  There's no logical reason to do it.  It was just necessary in order to get to the next point in the script.

Without Broderick, they launch Operation Fish Trap 2... because it worked so well the first time.  They abandoned the fish graphic for their radar though.  That must have been the reason it failed.  Silly military.

So yes, Godzilla is seemingly killed off about 2/3rds of the way into the film, and it goes on to rip off Jurassic Park by having the characters have to deal with a bunch of baby Godzillas.  So we've gone from city and millions in total peril to Madison Square Garden and four people in peril.  Way to ramp up the danger and tension!

The "death" of Godzilla and discovery of dozens of Godzilla eggs is when the total indifference set in.  At this point I realized that absolutely nothing else mattered in the film because all we're building to is the final reveal where one lone egg will be shown unhatched somewhere.  Whether or not it hatches right before the credits roll is insignificant.  It's coming, you know it's coming, and that sucks.  The whole thing sucks.  Rating: 1.0 out of 5.0 stars.

Amusingly, the 2004 Japanese film Godzilla: Final Wars features a battle between the original Godzilla and the 1998 version.

Another Delay

Sorry, I wish I had more for you today.  There's just lots going on, and the time I need to sit down and flesh out the post I originally intended to put up last Friday just hasn't been there.  It'll come though.

Yo, MS-DOS Raps!

Today's original post is going to have to wait another day, as there's just not enough time to get to everything I want to say about that particular topic (check back tomorrow).

In the meantime, enjoy a rap about MS-DOS!

In Defense of Cloverfield or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Movies

Yes folks, for only the fourth time since June of 2000... I ventured into a movie theater.

The movie that got me into the theaters again was Cloverfield, the much hyped "what is it?" movie where something (maybe Godzilla, maybe Tranzor Z) is attacking New York City.

What an awesome flick!  And definitely a theatrical experience. 

I don't usually read anything about a movie until after I see it, so last night I braved some of the message boards out there to see what people were saying.

It seems like a pretty even split between people who did and didn't like it.  But Cloverfield appears to be one of those "all or nothing" movies.  Either you really liked it or you really hated it.  What I'm going to do now is tackle some of the most common complaints.

The marketing campaign was a lie.  Look, I learned a long time ago in this business that advertising is a lie.  That's why I stopped watching trailers.  That's why I avoid TV spots.  That's why I don't go to official movie sites.  And that's especially why I don't get caught up in viral marketing campaigns.  But advertising is not the movie.  The movie is the movie.  And I cannot fault this movie for its advertising, which I didn't even see.

Now in the past I've come down hard on movies because of their advertising.  For example, I really hated What Lies Beneath because it takes the movie 90 freaking minutes to tell us something we didn't already know from watching the trailer.  And the trailer for the movie Deep Rising just blatantly lies to the audience, telling us that certain characters are answering a distress call when in fact they're terrorists. 

The moral of this story is don't buy into the hype.  Don't watch trailers and commercials and viral videos aimed at getting you so excited to see something that you have no choice but to be let down once you finally get there.

And all the viral stuff out there that supposedly places the film in the same universe with other J.J. Abrams other properties?  The movie is the movie.  Anything else is just viral internet fluff.

The title doesn't mean anything.  Get over it.  October Sky is only called that because it's an anagram for the rejected title Rocket Boys.  It's a title.  Who cares.  Monster attacks New York, that's all you need to know.

The movie is clearly inspired by the raw footage from 9/11 (and therefore is exploitive and an abomination).  I'll admit that there was a moment during the initial destruction that made me a little uncomfortable, but it passed.  This is a monster movie.  A creature didn't knock down the World Trade Center, terrorists did.  So aside from buildings being destroyed, what's the connection?  People in peril?  People are always in peril somewhere.

Did ID4, Godzilla, Deep Impact, Armageddon, etc. predict 9/11 with their scenes of NY destruction and people fleeing in terror?  Of course not.

The shaky-cam footage made me sick.  In a way I can sorta understand this complaint.  If the movie makes you ill then I can see how you might hate it.  But it did not make me dizzy or woozy or headachy in any way, so I cannot fault the film for this. 

Rollercoasters make me sick, therefore I just don't ride them.  But I don't blame them and say they suck either.

The acting is atrocious.  I didn't find the acting atrocious at all.  Felt fairly real to me.  The actors had to act like real people, and guess what, sometimes real people do just shout a person's name over and over again when they're in peril.

In fact, I was somewhat bummed to see a couple actors that I recognized later in the film (comedian Rick Overton as a panicked man on the street and Twin Peaks alum Chris Mulkey as a military commander) because it pulled me out of the illusion that these were real people and this was in fact footage that was found somewhere.

The ending renders the film worthless.  Not true at all.  In fact, had the film ended any other way than it did, I would have felt ripped off.  Instead, it ended exactly as it should have.  Anything else would have been cheap, and only there to spoon feed the audience.

I really have no legitimate complaints about this film.  It does what I wanted it to do and then some.  It's an absolute must-see theatrical experience.  Rating: 5.0 out of 5.0 stars.

19 bucks for two tickets though?  AND 30 minutes of commercials before the film starts?!  Come on...

Actor Heath Ledger Found Dead at 28

As you no doubt have heard by now, actor Heath Ledger has died at the age of 28 of either suicide or an accidental drug overdose.  Foul play is not suspected.

The Australian born actor was widely introduced to American audiences in 10 Things I Hate About You, one of the best teen comedies of the 1990s and easily in the top 2 or 3 "loose" adaptations of William Shakespeare's works.

Ledger made other entertaining flicks along the way, including The Patriot and A Knight's Tale... two films that I enjoyed a great deal in a total "shut off your brain" kind of way.  His co-star in The Patriot, Mel Gibson, issued a statement regarding Ledger's death:

"I had such great hope for him.  He was just taking off and to lose his life at such a young age is a tragic loss."

Of course Ledger is best known for his Oscar nominated role in Brokeback Mountain, the widely praised "gay cowboys eating pudding" movie that yes, I've yet to see.  But not for the reasons you might think though.  For the same reasons I haven't seen movies like Titanic yet... the hype machine was so out of control for the film that I have to let that subside before I can give it a completely open-minded chance.

Ledger had recently completed filming on the new Batman sequel The Dark Knight.  It'll be interesting to see how this affects its release.

In a rather disgusting side note to this story, the idiots from the Westboro Baptist Church (the people who protest at the funerals of gay soldiers) issued a press release stating that Ledger is now in hell where he belongs and calls for protests at his funeral.  Assholes.

Ledger leaves behind a 2 year old daughter from his former relationship with actress Michelle Williams.

The Tom Cruise Parodies Begin

The ABC25 Blooper Reel: Summer 1999 Finale

Over at Watercooler Films today I've finally posted the finale to the Summer 1999 ABC25 Blooper Reel series.  It's been up on YouTube for a while, and I apologize for not getting it up here for you good folks sooner.

The final "official" series (from Winter 1999) is up next, but there's some work to be done before it goes out onto the interwebs.  I might be re-editing things a bit in order to include a lot of the footage relevant to the final days of the station.  I've yet to sit down with all the footage and really take a look at what I have, so it's still a few weeks out.  Until then, enjoy the good times.

Idiocracy was a True Story

Seriously, what was this fool attempting to do?  Fold up in mid-air like a Transformer and then fit in that box?

Rock Band Sells 2.5 Million Downloadable Songs, 200 Songs To Be Released This Year

IGN.com has a great article today with Paul DeGooyer, Senior Vice President of MTV Games, about Rock Band's runaway success in the downloadable content arena.  In just two months, over two and a half million downloads of additional Rock Band content have been sold.

I know I've contributed to that number myself, as I've probably downloaded at least 40 new songs for the game since I got it for Christmas.

So where does Rock Band DLC go from here? There are already a couple hundred songs in the pipeline for 2008, meaning that there will be no shortage of content for gamers. In the next few months, you'll see more focus come to the weekly downloads. "The thinking at the initial launch was to supply a deeper dive into three key artists already on the disc -- Queens of the Stone Age, The Police, and Metallica," DeGooyer explained. "But then also supply songs that provide tremendous gameplay experience that we couldn't quite get on the disc. That's kind of what we're clearing out now. I think you'll see, if not concentrations of genres, perhaps expansion into other sub-genres of rock. And perhaps a bit more of an apparent organizing principle to what is being released."

Full album downloads are still on the horizon, bands like The Beatles, Pink Floyd and Led Zeppelin are being "considered", and the potential for MP3 files of the songs being included in future downloads is an idea being tossed around.

You can read the full article here.